Do you struggle to trust yourself? Do you hide parts of yourself — your feelings, beliefs, and ideas — in order to fit in or please others? Do you diminish or discount your feelings because you think they don’t really matter?
These are signs of self-abandonment.
Self-abandonment means not valuing ourselves, not acting in our own best interest, and not encouraging and comforting ourselves.
It’s a pattern that can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and unfulfilling relationships.
DO YOU STRUGGLE TO SAY ‘NO’ OR FEEL ASHAMED TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST?
Why We Abandon Ourselves
Self-abandonment often begins in childhood. It’s likely that your parents or other influential adults didn’t meet your emotional and/or physical needs, causing you to feel unworthy and unlovable.
As adults, we tend to repeat these patterns because they’re familiar.
We repeatedly choose partners and friends who mistreat, take advantage of, or don’t support us. And we do the same to ourselves.
Children depend on adults to meet their emotional and physical needs. But when you live in an unpredictable, chaotic, or abusive family, you learn to hide your true self.
You learn to suppress your feelings and needs, that your worth depends on what you accomplish or do (and whatever you do, it’s never enough), that your needs, interests, goals don’t matter, and that you don’t deserve love and compassion.
As Dr. Tracy explains, this pattern often stems from childhood, where it wasn’t emotionally or physically safe to share one’s feelings and needs.
As a child, we had to learn ways to feel safe and secure, which included managing the reactions of our parents or caregivers.
READ: How Releasing Old Stories Can Heal the Body and Renew the Self
Signs of Self-Abandonment
Dr. Tracy polled her community on social media and compiled a list of behaviors that may indicate self-abandonment:
- Accommodating partner’s moods/needs
- Not taking a full lunch break
- When someone asks what’s wrong, saying “nothing”
- Eating last, after your kids and partner have been fed
- Abandoning workouts that give you energy
- Procrastinating work, then feeling like a failure
- Letting other people’s words take over your mind
- Not honoring boundaries (with work and in relationships)
- Letting your kids take all your energy
- Ignoring your gut feeling
- Not getting “me” time away from kids/partner
- Only responding with “it’s ok” when someone apologizes
- Doing anything it takes to make your partner comfortable emotionally
- Letting out a big sigh instead of telling your partner directly what you need
- Being overly apologetic in work emails
- Not accepting help when offered
- Giving into compulsive behaviors (food, phone) that don’t bring you joy
- Not getting yourself ready for the day
- Letting your toddler determine what you do, watch, and eat all day
- Picking up after everyone else before relaxing
- Saying “it’s fine” when it’s not
- Hitting snooze
- Holding pee until finishing a task
- Not letting how you feel on the inside reflect how you look on the outside
- Asking your partner for help with the baby instead of just going to do what you need to do
- Powering through at work instead of eating or going to the restroom
- Showering with your kids instead of alone
- Watching TV at night instead of setting yourself up for success tomorrow
READ: Unlock Your Inner Joy — How Micro-Acts Can Transform Your Wellbeing
How to Stop Abandoning Yourself
Fashion designer Diane Von Furstenberg wrote, “The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself. You need to be able to rely on yourself. And your relationship with yourself becomes the template for all the other relationships you form.”
To stop self-abandonment, you must cultivate a loving relationship with yourself, even if it feels uncomfortable.
You need to start showing up for yourself, allowing yourself to freely express yourself, and recognizing that you’re flawed but completely worthy.
Here are ways to stop self-abandonment and build a loving relationship with yourself:
- Allow yourself to have feelings and needs. Everyone has feelings and needs. You may not have been allowed to express them as a child (or even in some of your adult relationships), but you can now be a safe haven for your own feelings and needs.
If you listen, your feelings will tell you what you need, and when you meet your needs, you’ll be happier and healthier.
- Allow yourself to be creative, quirky, and uniquely you. Try not to hide parts of yourself out of fear of disapproval or judgment. Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay.
Don’t shrink or change to please others. Express who you are through your work, creative pursuits, your hairstyle and clothes, your hobbies, interests, and passion projects.
- Treat yourself with compassion. Everyone deserves care and comfort when they are suffering.
Often, we’re great at doing this for others, but we minimize our own struggles and fail to love ourselves when we need it the most.
- Stand up for yourself. Another important aspect of self-love and trust is advocating for yourself. It can be scary to assert yourself and set boundaries.
Most of us are afraid of offending or angering people and afraid that we’ll be abandoned if we do.
But the alternative — letting others walk all over you — is self-abandonment.
Dr. Tracy emphasizes that you don’t have to keep abandoning yourself in order to give and receive love.
You deserve to be loved even if your opinions or preferences differ from your partner. You can love your partner and children and have different wishes, needs, and desires.
What you did as a child to stay safe is not what adult-you needs to do today. You are likely able to care for your basic physical needs, and find emotional safety outside of your family of origin.
Self-abandonment is no longer your only option.
Self-abandonment may have been a necessity during childhood, but it isn’t helpful anymore.
Start valuing yourself today. Listen to what your body and feelings are telling you. Prioritize self-care. Do what feels right for you even if others disapprove.
Comfort yourself when you’re having a hard time. Set boundaries without feeling guilty.
It doesn’t matter where you begin, just take one small step today to value yourself.
References:
- Why We Abandon Ourselves and How to Stop. Psych Central. 21 Dec. 2018.
- Signs You Might Be Abandoning Yourself. Dr. Tracy.
DISCLAIMER
This article provides general information and does not constitute medical advice. Consult your healthcare provider for personalized recommendations. If symptoms persist, consult your doctor.
